"___________ will not be shown at this time; in its place, we bring you the following ____________ production."
Said before teaser; usually related somehow to show's topic du jure (ie "Pac-Man Eats General Hospital will not be shown at this time; in its place, we bring you the following Eat Em Up production." introduced a show about addictions)

Chorus: "Just the introduction to the opposites/opposite sketches."
Said by all present on the main or 'link' set whenever something odd was going on (ie Ross giving out money); usually preceeded by "Either ___________, or this is..." After this chant, roles would be reversed until the end of the opposites.


"Barf! Barf!"
Kids in Barth's Diner summoning the owner.

"Barth, Barth."
His response.

"Whatever."
Customers' response to Barth's correction.

"Who/What do you think's in the burgers?"
Said in Barth's Diner by customers to express major dissatisfaction with the 'food.' Jokes occasionally referred to maggots, electronics, or The Who.

"D'ah, I heard that."
Barth's response; pre-dates Homer Simpson's "D'oh!"


"Where does the school board find them, and why do they send them to me?"
Said by The Teacher (no name given) whenever a student did anything stupid or got the better of him (ie a new student was told to use 'divorced' instead of 'dumped;' the student responded "Okay, my mom divorced by dad over the side of the boat, we collected the insurance money, and we moved here.")


"I don't know."
These words brought forth a rain of slime, usually green but also seen in red, yellow, blue, grey, white, and striped (I know YOU knew that, but this page is bound to eventually attract someone who's never heard of green slime).

"Water/wet/oh"
Brought forth a deluge upon the speaker. On one occasion, a Frenchman had been hired to dump the water; the word "oh" triggered it then (eau being the french for water).


"He's/She's/Kid's got a point there, Mallory."
Said by Father to his wife whenever one of the kids made a good verbal comeback.

"Don't encourage him/her."
Mallory's response.


"So, ___________, I understand you have a complaint."
Said by dungeon master to a kid in shackles; often the first line in dungeon sequences.

"Alright! Blue skies! Barfy burgers! Girls!"
The first words of any prisoner upon hearing of his/her impending release.


"Ready...Aim..."
First line in execution sequences; said by Commandante.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute! Stop the execution!"
Second line in execution sequences; doomed prisoner interrupts Commandante before the latter can say "FIRE!"

"What is it this time?"
The Commandante's irate response to the prisoner's interruption; some explanation follows, usually concluding with either the prisoner walking away or the Commandante standing between the prisoner and the firing squad.

"Fire! (gunshots)...that's one sneaky kid (collapses)."
Most often the final line in execution sequences, the Commandante having been shot.


"_______________, I want you to copy pages ____ to ____ out of this dictionary."
Said by Principal to student in detention hall; often, another student could be seen chained to the wall.

"Sometimes it's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself."
Said by student after having escaped detention through some trick.


"Roll the closing credits."
Duh.

"You Can't Do That On Television has been a/an ____________ Production."
Read by Announcer after credits have rolled; he usually made some snide comment (ie "More like an INfamous Production, if you ask me.") before being told his mic was still on.


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